How to stop being hard on yourself up about needing a C-Section

I've heard the excuse before.

Hey, I have literally said it myself when I was living in Boca Raton and suddenly went from the prospect of having a ‘regular’ birth to suddenly the disappointment hit me with my second birth:

"What do I need Birth Photography for, I am just having a C-Section?!"

Trauma can sometimes work in exactly this unusual way, where we cannot see the point of having Birth Photographs captured when our birth does not go anything like we had imagined, and worse, when our birth (or labor) has been traumatic.

Trauma can get our emotional state heightened, and in this moment, or phase of life, we cannot see logic clearly, because trauma can put us in ‘survival’ mode.

Often times even if our Midwife or OBGYN is telling us that a certain intervention or change to the birth plan (from vaginal delivery to a c-section for example), when we are experiencing trauma in that moment, whether it be from our pregnancy, labor or birth, (or even postpartum), its often true that in that state, we cannot focus on anything other than the disappointment that we could not have the experience we were hoping for. The experience we deserved to have.

As an On-Call Birth Photographer now working in Boca Raton, (very different from a Newborn Baby Photographer who’s focus is mainly on babies that are anywhere from 24 hours to 3 weeks old, my focus is not solely on capturing photos of newborn babies, rather my focus is on capturing photos of mothers and fathers meeting their newborn baby for the first time. My focus is capturing photos of that initial meeting and all the emotions that are a part of that experience).

I am also a mother myself. I have two children and both of my babies were born via unplanned C-Section. I absolutely planned to have vaginal births with both of my babies, back then I called them “regular deliveries” but now I don’t say that term, because I truly think every delivery is a regular delivery.

I often describe my first birth 10 years ago as scary, but nowhere near as traumatic as the experience I had with my then Midwife, Doula and later on with the OBGYN in the hospital with my second birth, where I felt I chose the wrong birth team that did not support me in the way I needed, and I felt abandoned by them in the scariest, most vulnerable and confusing moment.

My second child just turned 8 years old and I am in a whole other mindset these last few years.

Now that I’ve had 8 years to fully process my birth experience, I am grateful that my baby and I did not die nor sustain injury in child birth. But it has taken my 8 years to go to this point, and I am particularly fortunate in that I am an On-Call Birth Photographer, so I have the privilege of being a member of many birth teams, seeing birth outcomes, seeing birth experiences, and I am particularly grateful for this as it’s helped me to process and understand my birth. But it took 8 years to heal from the emotional trauma my second birth caused me. No matter how much information I received to help me understand how fortunate I am for mine and my child’s health and wellbeing, none of that information helped to heal my emotional trauma, only time.

8 years after my second birth, I am now feeling grateful I had a provider who did not supported extended released fluids, as my water had been broken for 24 hours and still I was not in active labor, and still I was only 3 cm dilated, and these days, prolonged rupture of fluids is a danger zone for me. After many years of attending births, I can ask myself, why was there no active labor and why was my baby not born if fluids released on their own 24 hours ago?

Often, there is a reason. And there definitely was a reason with my birth. And now, fortunately that I have healed after 8 years of emotional trauma, I am able to feel glad that I had a provider back then who also did not feel comfortable with me not being in active labor after my fluids had ruptured on their own 24 hours earlier. But again, to get to this stage, I needed time to heal.

But 8 years ago, I did not see the silverling or positive side of any of this.

8 years ago, when I was told I could not labor any longer and that I needed a repeat c-section and would no longer have the opportunity for a TOLAC - trial of labor after a c-section, I was feeling traumatized, my anxiety was heightened, and all I could feel was disappointment.

I felt I failed. And I felt the medical system failed me. I felt my birth team failed me. I felt dismissed, lied to, cheated.

Both states of mind are absolutely valid.

Firstly, I absolutely do not want to tell you what to do.

BUT that being said…. if you want to know how you can stop yourself from being hard on yourself after learning that you are going to need a c-section…

First: Don’t accept anyone telling you that you need to not be sad in that moment

Don’t accept anyone telling you that you should be happy your baby is alive.

OBVIOUSLY we all want our baby to be alive. Obviously we are grateful for our the medical system to have saved us and our babies. However, it is VITAL that our mental health is supported in this moment too. It is vital that we acknowledge to ourselves, yes this is a huge shock to me, I am allowed to be sad too.

If someone is not in the middle of experiencing a traumatic birth that is happening to them, they won’t always realize that we need that extra emotional support. So it absolutely is OK for us to step up for ourselves and say I need my emotions to be validated right now. Validation.

GOING BACK TO BIRTH PHOTOS

It is so easy in this moment when the reality of our birth path catches up to us to say “I don’t see why I need Birth Photography if I am going to have a C-Section.” When you’re already disappointed, when your heart has been broken, when you are not receiving the emotional validation from your birth team that you are needing, it is very easy to see a lack of need for something beautiful in that moment. You are living in that heavy, heavy moment, and the future almost seems unreachable and irrelevant in that moment. I get it 100%. I was there myself with both my unplanned C-Sections.

I absolutely regret not hiring a BIRTH Photographer who was exclusively full time devoted to photographing births 8 years ago. I even more regret saying "what do I need photos for, I am just having a c-section." When the OBGYN delivered the news to me that I would not be laboring anymore and we are now going for a C-Section.

But I can never go back in time into that moment and put a pause button on my emotions and think logically to the future about how important Birth Photographs would be to me. That time has come and gone. All I can do is learn from the choices I made during a painfully difficult time in my life. So I have to pivot now. I am good at pivoting. I pivot and live vicariously through my families who welcome me as a member of their birth teams as their On-Call Birth Photographer to capture the love and excitement they have to meet their baby, regardless of how their baby is born, there is still love and excitement to meet your baby.

I document my clients births with exactly the same passion and love and attention to detail how I wish I would have had someone do for me 8 years ago when I had my baby via my unplanned C-Section and lost the chance to experience a VBAC (vaginal birth after a C-Section - usually called a TOLAC - Trial of labor after a c-section prior to baby being born via VBAC) delivery. I have zero Professional Birth Photographs from either of my births with my newborn babies. All I have are blurry and grainy cell phone photographs from 8 + 10 years ago.

Seeing these Birth Photographs, do you agree they are worth it?

I pivot by constantly training myself to be present in the moment with my family. There's no going back for anyone, but there is this present moment. Having this present moment with my family is worth just as much.

I hope this personal post has helped at least one mama in some way today
#bocaratonbirthphotographer