When you are expecting, whether it is your first pregnancy ever, or your third baby

life in general becomes completely unpredictable

It’s hard to prepare for a new baby, a new way of life, new routines, balancing, finances, everything changes with the birth of a baby.

And now, more than ever before, life and the world has become completely unpredictable.

The global situation and where it’s headed is uncertain.

These are unforeseen times.

It’s so hard to know what to expect.

The # 1 thing I tell families with 100% certainty:

Birth is predictably unpredictable

Birth in general is the first true intense life changing experience that tells every parent: the control is out of your hands. Even when you plan your birth with a lot of preparation: taking education birth classes AND preparatory birth classes such as hypnobirthing, the Bradley method, etc; even if you choose the right labor doula for your pregnancy, labor and birth, the right pregnancy care provider who will be helping you catch your baby at the time of birth, the right tools and products to aid you in this journey — still everything is beyond your control.

Nearly two years ago I received a call that my client’s water had ruptured. But she was 32 weeks pregnant. It was 8 weeks — TWO MONTHS — before anyone, including her and her doctors, anticipated the birth of her baby to happen. Their baby’s room wasn’t prepared, they hadn’t had their baby shower, she hadn’t received her labor gown yet from amazon.

While this example is literally one client out of the 150 births I’ve attended, its the clearest example that shows you that motherhood, that parenting in general, is completely beyond our control.

While it is our baby we are waiting on, while it is our body that is the sacred vessel carrying this little life, this is an entirely individual human being with their own path in life, over which we have minimal control. We are called to raise our child(ren), to guide, to educate and love, but at the end of the day, their life’s journey is their path. We can’t choose their eye color and we can’t choose their personality. All these aspects are beyond our control and we get a little preview of what that lack of life-long control will feel like already during our pregnancies — we can’t anticipate or prevent morning sickness from happening. Some of us have zero nausea (like my sister in law in her first pregnancy) and others have nausea our entire pregnancies 24 hours a day (like me with my first pregnancy). This is the small preview to how unpredictable and how beyond control being a parent will be. It’s a mini-crash course in letting go of the ‘illusion’ of control.

The current global situation is outside of our control

This current global crisis is a large scale view of how beyond control everything in our lives really is.

While we can strongly and powerfully influence it by doing our part in practicing strict social distancing and encourage others to do so as well, we cannot control everything that is happening around us, what our neighbors decide, what government policies are put into place, many things are outside of our control.

I think a valuable perspective to take during this time, is to let go of our own personal belief that we have control. Whether it be control over the current global situation, or our births, or our lives.

1. Tip 1 for self care when you are pregnant during COVID-19:

Listen to what you need and honor it

Instead of focusing on how we can gain more control over the situation, take this time to care for yourself and give yourself what you need.

What that may be.

It will be different for everyone.

It may be different today than it was yesterday, and hey, it may be different right now at 230pm than it was this morning when you woke up.

Listen to what you need and honor it. Hold space for what your body and mind are telling you. If you need to be ‘productive and nest’ get to that vacuum, organize your cabinets, re-wash your baby’s coming home outfit. If you need to rest, remember that is being productive too. Your body needs you to listen to it and hold space for what it’s needs are. If you can’t handle a load of dishes right now, take a rest on your patio, couch or bed, and just let your spine and your mind rest.

one support person with you during birth boca regional hospital

2. Tip 2 for self care when you are pregnant during COVID-19:

Don’t sweat the small stuff

There are so many upcoming obstacles in life when you become a parent. Many decisions to be made on a moment by moment basis. Nothing will ever be perfect, and the experience of labor and delivery well beyond our control is evidence of that. So choose wisely which things you allow to truly bother you. If something is not even going to be an after thought in a few hours, days, let alone years, don’t let it control your emotions and your mind longer than it needs to. For example: you accidentally broke the lamp for your baby’s room, your rocking chair hasn’t arrived yet and you’re 2 days past due, your mother-in-law was suppose to fly in to help in post partum but now she can’t, your neighbor has a loud dog, etc. Many of these things you won’t even remember when your baby is rolling over and smiling for the first time, crawling for the first time, takes his first step, when you celebrate her first birthday. So don’t allow for these things to consume your mental health. Choose your battles wisely while you honor yourself.

how long do you push with your first baby

3. Tip 3 for self care when you are pregnant during COVID-19:

Take time to care for your mental health

The first thing to be neglected during intense life experiences is mental health. As a species we focus so much on physical preservation that we often times neglect mental health until after the fact, and then spend the rest of our lives (or at least a few weeks) after the fact, pondering how we could have taken better care to protect our mental health during that experience.

So take this time to really listen to what your mental health needs are.

Every human has mental health, it’s just a matter of how open they are to expressing it on the outside and how they balance it on the inside that helps us gauge how sensitive or vulnerable a person is as an outside observer. But every person has mental health. Listen to yours. If you need to take a step back from being social online, take this time to do that. No one can blame you for needing some down time.

4. Tip 4 for self care when you are pregnant during COVID-19:

Make a Post Partum Plan when you aren’t sure if you can even have a Birth Plan

Right now, the whole birth world is fighting for the safety of birthing parents, their labor and delivery nurses, doctors, midwives, doulas, those who work in the blood lab, anesthesiologists, those who clean. The priority is keeping every human COVID-19-FREE and healthy and safe. So a lot of birth plans are not being held up, simply because they aren’t in line with keeping everyone healthy and safe. For example, most hospitals allow only ONE SUPPORT person right now, so if your birth plan included a labor doula, a birth photographer, your mom and your sister, right now, you may choose for your one support person to be your partner or your spouse and your baby’s story will not include the rest of your birth team, in order to protect everyone from spreading this virus to your entire hospital-team.

So while you may not be sure if your birth plan will be able to happen in entirety, focus on your Post Partum Plan.

Make a list of how you can take hold space for yourself during your post partum to care for your needs. Here’s some ideas:

Plan a virtual facetime or video chat with people you can let your guard down with. In your 4th trimester, it’s not always all smiles. Sometimes baby cries too much and you’re too tired. It will help if once a day (or once every other day) you can do a 15 minute video chat with a friend or family member you can vent to who won’t judge and will just listen.
If you share your home with a partner or a spouse, make a list of short term goals for little things here and there so you know your load of responsibility can be shared, since you won’t be able to have family or outside help in your home for the time being. So for example, make a schedule for sharing the responsibility in diaper changes, bottle feedings (if you’re planning on it), burping baby, watching baby during showers, 1 hour parent-naps, walks in the neighborhood, loads of spit up covered laundry, etc.
Plan a daily “me hour” where you spend 1 hour daily taking care of you. Whether that be makeup, shower, shave, a nap, ease into a gentle doctor-approved post partum physical fitness routine, walk around the neighborhood alone to music or while on the phone with a friend, a drink with your partner or spouse over a card game, tv show, board game in the evening while baby sleeps, etc.